Are Old-age-homes Meant For My Parents?

Or if I may ask, are my parents worth sending and keeping in an old-age-home?

The need for time demands more and more old-age-homes to be built. Because:

• Expense: No problem.
• Monthly payments amount: No problem.
• Servants, cook and other staff needed: No problem.
• Whatever has to done: No problem!

Time demands preparing more and more old-age-homes, that are:

• Luxurious,
• Comfortable,
• Pleasing and
• Entertaining for long stay.

So, coming to the original question, why should one go to stay at such a place leaving own family and one's own home? Well, this is a serious question that needs detailed discussion on the subject.

I think only two reasons those can be accepted are:

1. No children couple: They do not have any offsprings at all and their other relatives are not willing to accommodate them. They may find no other option but to go there.
2. Couple with children abroad: The other acceptable reason is children settled abroad and parents don't like to stay with them (because of either difference in culture of new country and/or climate).

Are parents a liability – nuisance and/or disturbing elements in the home? I do not think correct answer can be "YES". If that is the story, why are they not present in the family? I shall tell few things about three concerned relations.

1. Daughter-in-law,
2. Son and
3. Parents themselves.

1. Daughter-in-law:

Whether we agree or not, the first known culprit for break in the family is daughter-in-law. She wants privacy, single couple family and so-called quality time with her husband. She would not do any compromise for above said demands and would object to any expectation of her husband regarding caring and respecting his parents. She feels parents as "GARBAGE" (the word used abroad is equally experienced here). Some cultured(?) family may be exceptions to this. A lady getting married must have a basic respect and regards for her parents-in-law. (Yes, at the same time, man should also have respects for his parents-in-law.) What is rationale behind ignoring, insulting and hating old-dying-persons in the home? At least, parents staying away should not be a problem to her, but sadly enough, it is so in most cases.

Here comes the key role of parents of a married daughter. After getting their daughter married, they should maintain a safe distance and avoid poking nose in her day to day affairs. The parents (and mother in particular) should ask their daughter to love and respect her parents-in-law. Quarreling and/or divorce is no answer to such issues. Most of the times parents instigate their daughter via phone calls. Instead, their role must be to teach her good moral and social values.

2. Parents:

Sometimes parents may be themselves cause for this burning issue. Their arrogant, demanding, dictating and dominating nature causes things complicated. Any of these and/or quarrelsome practices on their side makes issue difficult to be settled. It is difficult to stay with them and adjust.

3. Married Son:

After marriage male partner of the couple has to face two sides: 1. Wife and 2.Parents. He has to try to balance the chain of relationship with both. It is a time of struggle and stress for him. The dominating parents and demanding wife ask him to convey ‘the message’ to other side. Both of them believe oneself to be right and ask him to do only what they say. Managing this needs neutral, straight forward and strict attitude. Without favoring either, he has to be strict and prudent. This may not be easy many times or say every day.

Having said all, inmates of old-age-homes need not have problems staying with their close ones every time. There may be good tuning amongst them and still they may be there just for a while for a change in life or freedom. Yes, for them staying at such place is an adventure more than anything else.

Parents should be ready to co-operate, compromise and respect and at the same time, they need your moral support, company and care. Is it too much to expect? They want basic recognition, small respect and big smile. In reciprocation, they are ready to offer their physical and financial support.


Old-age Homes:

For the aged or old person - who does own his home or has to leave his own, needs shelter somewhere till she/he dies - an old-age-home is the right.

What are different options? The ideal place will have proper stay and food facilities. They are as follows:

1. Charitable (Free)
2. Paid one (Subsidized or Full payment type)
3. Hospital beds for bed-ridden

1. Charitable and free:

Here the inmate stays free of charge. They might have to stay in dormitory type of rooms which may be congested with more number of people and have less space in total. The main plus point is cost, totally free lodging and boarding. One gets care and company of others. The donations and charity from society manages their finances. The attitude of staff and management is generally good, because they want to serve the suffering old, but sometimes one has to compromise on the dignity and respect issue here.

2. Paid:

a) Subsidized:
 Staying inmate has to pay half or even less of the actual expense incurred (Say Rs. 1500 to 3000 per month). A twin sharing room is offered with adequate furniture and attached toilet. Servants clean the room and clothes. Cook prepares food offered in the dining area or the kitchen. If a couple occupies the room with other friend couples around, I think it is a better home away from own home.

b) Non-subsidized:
The inmate pays total expense about Rs. 5000 to 15000 per month. Here she/he gets all the luxurious facilities like television, air-conditioner and computer with internet connection in the room. One can order the food she/he desires at her/his time. If one can afford, this is the best option - you can live your life in your own way with pleasure and dignity. If group of friends stay together, let me say it is other heaven on earth.

3. Hospital bed with nursing facility:
This is the need of time. In old-age, person cannot die at her/his willfully fit. One may have an illness making one bed-ridden for long time, till s/he gets cured or death. A person may be unconscious, unable to get off the bed because of fracture or illness like hemiplegia or cancer. S/he needs day and night care and attendance for living. Some hospitals are offering beds to such needy patients as long as they want. They look after general nursing and medical care at reasonable rate. Such homes are much for any society.


Having discussed all, I have a last option to talk of old-age-homes. That is “My own home, my old-age-home”. 

This may sound complicated, but it is not. You arrange for a cook and a house-maid, pay them more than reasonable and that’s all. All you have to do is handle them tactfully and with kindness. They are always ready to serve till you need. The neighbors and others staying around may not be that useless at the time of your need, if only that little relationship is maintained. Now your own home is your old-age-home, the best option to stay.

Well, just start your thought-cycle on this subject and answers are not far away!

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Before Saying "Yes" For Marriage

Typically marriages are decided by one of these two methods in our society:

1. Arranged Marriage: Socially accepted and practiced method where ‘offer’ for marriage is given by appropriate party and then, marriage is finalized on the basis of match-making.
2. Love Marriage: Recently established way of selecting marriage partner after some contact, friendship and/or attraction because of looks. Here prospective partners for marriage decide themselves to marry with or without consent from parents and families.

Well, either way, final decision of marriage is made after checking possibility of matching with each other on the basis of social, academic, financial and/or physical appearance.

New addition of ‘matching horoscopes’ have appeared on the scene recently. Marriage proposals are refused on so-called matching of horoscope is not there.

What is hardly considered and ignored in total is the ‘Pre-marital detailed medical check-up’ of both of the partners. This article is to bring to notice the importance of issue(s) of health for success of any marriage.

I will give three real life examples to explain my point.

1. A female partner having serious Heart Disease at the time of and before marriage did not inform anyone about this. So the to-be-married happy groom was unaware of it. To his shock and surprise the wife died on the day of marriage.
2. A female partner was having Epilepsy - well controlled with medicines, but she omitted to let anyone know and stopped medicines too. She wanted to hide the disease because of its social taboo. She had an epileptic fit – convulsions – on the very night of marriage and the end result was none other than divorce. Similar story can be said about Leucoderma – a white patch on body.
3. Male partner was having AIDS before marriage. He passed this to his wife who died within five years of marriage and husband died five more years after that.

So many examples can be sited here, but those few are just to introduce the subject, explain the seriousness of the issue and make you aware about the subject.

When I talk about particular disease, it has two interpretations:

1. Certain diseases make simple life and/or married life difficult to the extent partner having one may die soon.
2. Certain diseases are transmitted to the offspring having hereditary element.

Let me explain this in details.

To get rid of problems in married life, one has to get the premarital medical check-up.
It should be in form of 1. Simple history talking, 2. Medical examination by specialist, 3.Laboratory investigations, and 4. Other related tests.

Medical History:

You will be surprised to know a simple questioning regarding having any disease reveals great surprises. Each going-to-be partner should ask simple questions about having any disease of importance, any need of getting hospitalized for certain treatment and/or operation/surgery. This can lead to understand the status of each. One more question is must regarding any inherited disease on paternal or maternal parents.

Physical Examinations:

A total body check-up is ideal including Eye, E.N.T. and following:

1. Physician: BP, heart, lungs and all systems should be checked.
2. Urologist: Male must be examined for normal external sex organs.
3. Gynaecologist: Female partner check-up for normalcy of her external sex organs.
4. Psychiatrist opinion regarding both cannot be over-emphasized.

Hematological Studies:

1. Blood group with Rh factor
2. Hepatitis
3. Sickle cell anaemia
4. Thalassemia
5. Aids and
6. Diabetes

Semen Analysis:

• For sperm count and motility
• X-ray chest
• Electrocardiogram (ECG)
• Sonography (Abdomen)

Hereditary Diseases:

The disease that appears in new-born - because one/both parents were having it and passed to the offspring - is known as hereditary diseases. They are transmitted by 23 pairs of chromosomes. I can give a big list of more than 400 diseases, but I will enlist only most common few.

• Colour-blindness
• Retinitis pigmentosa
• Hereditary blindness

• Angleman syndrome
• Coeliac disease
• Down syndrome
• Tay - Sachs disease
• Turner's syndrome
• Prader- Willis syndrome
• Klinfelters syndromes
• Canavan's disease

• Sickle-cell disease
• Haemophilia
• Thalassemia
• Hemochromatosis

• Polycystic kidney
• Phenylketonuria

• Neurofibromatosis Duchene muscular dystrophy
• Epilepsy
• Chorea
• Schizophrenia
• Manic-depressive insanity

So, a million dollar would be: How to prevent such diseases?

1. Avoid marriage.
2. Investigate to-be-partner for hereditary disease and avoid marriage with one having any of such disease(s).
3. Avoid being parents at all either voluntarily or by sterilization operation.

You will be surprised to know one country is having law of compulsory sterilization of person having hereditary disease and who has been admitted to mental asylum or a prisoner.

To conclude,

• I will say awareness of medical issues before marriage is must.
• If you can, for detailed medical investigations, it is ideal.
• Minimum is asking questions regarding prevalence of any disease.

Now I can say, BEST wishes for long and happy married life!!

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All Of Us Know This, But Shall We Follow?

As responsible citizens of this planet, we have some duties towards her - towards our future generations. We all already know about them, I'm sure.

• Save Water: Adopt rain water harvesting.

• Save Fuel: Use CNG, LPG or bio-fuels. Use public transport, car-pooling, do walk or cycling for short distances.

• Save Electricity: Turn off any light, fan or any electric instrument when not in use.

• Reduce Air Pollution,

• Water Pollution and

• Reduce Noise Pollution.

• Say NO to Plastic: Use paper/jute bags for shopping.

• Do Tree Plantation and Stop Cutting Trees.

• Take Care of Your Health: Do regular medical check-up, have diet control and do exercise.

Well, if you have read this much, I am sure you have many more to be added to this list. Please, do that.

Make this a poster and put where one can read/see daily more than once. There are chances one may be motivated to follow some, if not all.

We have to leave this earth least polluted, so our next generation do not curse us for our negligence.

Before trying to fight so many external issues like corruption, black money, political problems and so on, above mentioned issues are within our reach and control. We, ourselves, are at fault. Let us improve that first.

If this story makes any sense, one has to act... or global warming, earth-quake, flood and tsunami are ready to kill us before time.

Are we that dull to understand this or we are intelligent enough to ignore any signal?

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Breaking The Chain Of Relations

Break verb.

1. Interrupt
2. To stop doing something for a while
3. Destroy
4. End of relation

Chain noun.

1. Connection by links or rings
2. Series of connected things e.g. hotels, shops
3. Continuous connection due to attachments

Relation noun.

1. Way in which one person is connected/associated with another
2. Contacts or link between people, groups or countries
3. Attachment between two because of birth, marriage or contact

The chain of relations I am talking about here starts from great-grandfather, going to grandfather, then father and ends at son to continue further downwards in the same way.

Great Grandfather/mother

↓

Grandfather/mother

↓

Father/mother

↓

Son/daughter

Because of instincts and inheritance, parents live their total life for their children. They do not enjoy their wealth and time for their own joy or pleasure. They go on saving money and all the things they can to offer to their offsprings. While caring for children, they conveniently forget their duty towards parents and grandparents. Only juniors in the ladder get due importance and seniors remain part of the history to be forgotten.

This is the key question of my article: Is it prudent occupying oneself totally around offsprings? What should be the limit of one’s offering to the children?

Let us go into the details. In parenthood, role of father is limited to have physical relations with going-to-be-mother. The sperm fertilizes the ovum. From pregnancy to lactation, practically everything is done by the mother – the female partner. Embryo in uterus to new-born, only mother plays active part. Father gives his inheritance via chromosomes, but he is not fully involved in upbringing of the child. This may be the reason why fathers (male partner) can easily detach from child and family. Well, in past only father was the bread earning individual, so he was a must to that extent. These days, both the marriage partners earn and so the dominance of the male is limited.

When does the role of parents as guide-guardian-decision maker end?  Well, the answer is not that
difficult. Initial years of neonate and childhood demands total care for feeding, learning and being self-sufficient. I think parents are must as decider-decision makers only up to X standard of study. Then they are only needed as friends and for moral support.

The present generation with high intelligence can decide their own path regarding further study, profession/job and marriage. So it is better that parents leave their play at the earliest in these issues.

So, what is the “breaking the chain of relations”?

I know three simplest ways to break the chain, but I do not support any of them.

1. Remain unmarried,
2. Get married, but not to plan family (parenthood) and
3. To have marriage, be parents and then leave family to become Sadhu or commit suicide.

Physiology of human life does not agree to any of above three.  I am here to give the fourth option.

Paradox of our nature tells, we want to remain dominating, guiding and expecting guardian and at the same time want to leave relation for detachment.

We want to show sentiments-emotions and be witness from distance. All you need is to break this
paradox in relations.

Be prudent, rational, have all the attachments with them and love them maintaining their dignity. But keep away from being dominant here and there and do not have highly demanding expectations. Avoid asking to follow yourself made rules. And be on guard lest you may be fond egoistic and arrogant.

Yes, with all this in mind it is not difficult to break the chain of relations. All one needs is just be detached and be witness to their actions with love and affection.

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Balancing Relations

Balancing two sides of relations:

1. A son/daughter: Parents and offsprings.
2. A married woman: Parents and parents-in-laws.
3. A married son: Wife and parents.

When you are any of the above, you are an in-between person. You have to be tricky, cautious and careful person in handling either side maintaining your own views or you will be in trouble. You need not be judging any, but you have to be neutral and caring both.

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